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Saturday, 30 March 2013

Zombie Girl

Anti-depressants don't make you happy and they don't stop you being sad. They sort of dull everything down a bit, so every feeling isn't as extreme. So arguably, you won't be severely depressed, but on the other hand you won't ever be really happy either.
I call this zombiefying: medicines answer to depression. Instead of having a depressed population, let's make them all numb and empty and non-feeling-y.
OK, I'm being quite harsh. I suppose not feeling is better than feeling awful. But it's so frustrating when you really want to feel something and you just can't.
I feel like I'm cut off or separate from reality, trapped in a bubble which I just can't pop.
I've decided that enough is enough. I give up on the medication. I'm coming off all of it: the anti-depressants, the beta blockers and the anti-psychotics. I hope this will be a good thing. A way for me to slowly get my life back.
I've been on these meds since July 2012. This probably means that I am dependant on them, even if I don't feel it. I wish I had known then what they would do to me, because I probably would have never started taking them.
For now I'm on a half dose of everything. Next week that will hopefully be reduced again.
Until then I'm still zombie girl. The girl with no feelings, no emotions and heaps of bad days.
My advice to anyone considering going on anti-depressants or anti-psychotics: don't. Not until you know the full story.
Are you prepared to deal with the side effects?
I wasn't.
My stomach might be permenantly damaged, and I might get severe withdrawal symptoms, when I eventually come of the meds completely. Currently I suffer from zombie-ing, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, weight gain, no sex drive, sweating and a seriously dodgy digestive system.
These are arguably all side effects of the medication. Which sucks - big time.
Furthermore, if I don't actually have depression, then the medication will make whatever I do have even worse. So why was I ever put on them? Surely it would have been safer to diagnose me first.
Anyway, my rant is over. I'm coming off them. Let's see what happens.

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