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Monday, 22 October 2012

Stalkers.

What do you do when you're feeling crap? Read a book? Go for a walk? Have a bath? Whatever it is I can guarantee I've tried it. Right now I'm snuggled in purple blanky (a friend I'm sure you will get to know very well if you keep reading my posts) listening to rubbishy 90's rock music while writing this.
This day has been supremely worse than average. A horrific nights sleep last night probably didn't help. Though I did make it into uni this morning and had a fun three hours composing. However the fact that Jeremiah (the presence I feel, as I mentioned in my first post) was hanging about definitely put me off, lingering threateningly at the back of the room for no reason whatsoever. Its scary. And so vivid. It feels so real to me but it simply is not possible that its real. That would be completely ridiculous.
Its hard to describe what I actually feel when I get this sensation. Its obviously all in my mind but I also get a very physical reaction. I literally freeze up as if all my muscles have contracted and I feel as though I can't move. I get a tightness in my chest as though my heart has stopped and I feel like I can't breathe. I begin to shake and hyperventilate and everything becomes blurry. Sometimes its so bad that I think I'm going to throw up or pass out. And there's the fear. My anxiety levels increase so much that I can only describe it as a feeling of dread and terror.
Usually if I feel low, I can pretty much assume that this will happen at some point so to deal with it I just don't go out. Totally sad I know, I'm practically a hermit, but I just don't know what sets it off so I can't avoid it. The medication I have is not fully effective though I just got a new dosage today and another type as well so it might improve.
Apparently the 'presence' (Jeremiah) is a symptom of anxiety, sort of like a negative outlet. I find this very confusing. Basically that means that my brain is so rubbish, that the way it's dealt with anything that's made me worried is by building those negative feelings into an external being, which then freaks me out. Great logic.
It's really difficult to accept that all of this is caused by a mental illness. It feels so real and so physical to me. Which, of course, makes it all the more debilitating. You really cannot fully understand unless you have experienced it.
I imagine that being physically stalked would be fairly similar. Imagine you know somebody is following you, but when you look they've turned a corner or somehow hid. It would reach a point where you're just waiting for them to appear. You get too scared to check behind you just in case you do see them and then they try to make contact. Eventually you get so used to it that you just expect it. But then it's no fun for them so they try even harder to scare you, breathing right down your neck when you're alone. What makes it worse is that you can't get rid of it, you can't call someone or force them out of the door. They aren't real. Everybody knows that something is wrong and asks 'are you alright' but you just say yes. You can't really say 'no, I'm being stalked'. As for the people who do know about it, they just don't know what to do when he is around.
I always wonder can they sense it too? Obviously you can tell by my reaction that something isn't right, but would they know anyway? A small part of me does think this and does believe that something is there, even though my rational side is telling me that it's not possible.
But what if it is real? What does that mean? I'm being stalked by an invisible being?
It's not exactly impossible, is it?

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