Wednesday, 24 October 2012

So you had a bad day.

I woke up this morning feeling utterly shit. Excuse my language. I didn't sleep well at all last night and was tempted to just stay in bed for the full day. Luckily I didn't have any lectures today so I wouldn't miss anything important, but I did have a social event planned.
Planning is always difficult for me because I never know how I'm going to feel. I just have to take it day by day and do what I can. Usually, I would have just given up and stayed in bed, but it was my friends birthday and I didn't want to let them down.
As I lay there thinking about how on earth I would make it through the day, I remembered a piece of advice my mum gave me once: sometimes you have to prioritise yourself. This was definitely one of those days. I decided I would do the things I wanted or needed to and somehow everything would fall into place.
I got up and got dressed and headed out to my counselling appointment. I needed that and I'm so glad I went. I arrived and I waited.
Waiting is another thing I struggle with. It's all I ever seem to do. Waiting for medication to kick in, waiting for uni to start, waiting to see a doctor, waiting to see a psychiatrist - the list could go on. It's so frustrating feeling like you are really trying to get somewhere, but it doesn't seem to be happening, like in the movies where a character is running along a corridor to get to a door but it just keeps getting longer and longer. It just makes you feel so lost and so useless, but at the same time going back would be even worse.
After seeing my counsellor, I didn't feel much better, though I do really find talking very helpful and I really enjoy going.
When I got home, I attempted to put my mask on. I invented the mask as a way of pretending that I'm alright so I can function normally (I will go into further detail in a future post). But, no matter how hard I tried, it would not stay on. I cracked. My friends tried to convince me to take a time out and try to sleep or rest and just relax. I wasn't having any of it. I had decided that I was going to do everything in my power to get through this day as I had planned and guess what? That's exactly what I did.
Mind over matter. Or in this case depression.
I can't believe that I actually did it. I really can't. It was an incredible feeling. I took control of my own mind and lived this day on my terms, and not the terms of my illness. I don't know how, but I'm happy enough knowing that I did it. Me. And nobody else.
Although I crashed by the end of all the socialising and such, I still went out and spent time with my friends and had a laugh and made new friends. To me, that is the best thing I've achieved in a long time.
I have hope that there are more of these days to come and that one day everyday will be like this, but I'm also aware that after a good day I usually crash and become low again. But I can still hold on to the fact that I can be in control, and that is a comforting thought.
Even though I had planned to do this day for other people, I did it for me. It's important to remember that sometimes you can be selfish and you have needs too. This day was bad, but I took it for what it was and enjoyed it. I am taking control of depression. I am my own person and it's going to have to get used to it. It can take the majority of my days but it will not take me. I am mine.

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